Alejandro's Private Journal.

Well… just a few days have passed since last time I wrote… well… nothing has changed… you still ignore me…  you’re still the same… I’ll write whenever your ready to talk to me… :|

I’ll let you go. If that’s what you want. Be happy. Be free.

I’m bored. I got nohting to do. It’s monday and there aren’t as many calls as normal. Hey, I had a dream about you last night. I guess I want you to love me so bad that I actually have dreams with you. In that dream, we were taking our hands and walking down a long lonely road. You look at me in the eyes and tell me: “Why do I love you so much?”. I woke up after that. I tear dropped down on my cheek. What a great way to start off the day.

Enough! I just can’t seem to make you happy. Fuck. I’m just tired of other people being far more important than I am in your life. I know you’re sweet with me, but I just can’t take it anymore! It’s incredible the way I try to make things as they were before, but you’re not helping me at all! I wanna make time go back to those special days, but you don’t. Well, I’ve given to much from me! I’ve given you my BEST! I’m not kidding! I haven’t treated any other girl as nice as I’ve treated you! YOU JUST CAN’T SEE IT! All the effort that I make to erase my mistakes, THEY’RE NOT ENOUGH! :(

Fuck! It’s so fucking depressive to wake up in the morning and know that you just DON’T GIVE A SHIT about what I do! It’s so sad to go to bed every night, and know that another day has gone by, and nothing was fixed between the two of us! 

YOU JUST STOPPED CARING, right? Babe, be happy with anyone you wanna be happy. Be happy doing what you want. Just let me tell you that nothing is more rewarding in this world than seeing you smile.

There’s a knot in my throat and the only that thing stops me from crying is my pride as a man. Big boys don’t cry, right? You don’t know, right?

It’s more than frustrating to know that every moment I see you, I can’t change the way you think of me. I bet that you see me as the bad guy in this twisted story! Great, the bad guy always loses, and that’s what I’m doing. I hope that in the end, everything goes according to how you wanted them to go, but let me tell you that you lost me now.  Everything I do, I do it for you. Every time I breath, every step I take, every time I open my eyes, I do it all for you.

You just don’t care.

WTF? A teardrop just came down my cheek in front of my friends, good that they didn’t notice. That’s your side effect, this is how I end up after dealing with you.  But I’ll just stay quiet. I won’t say a word. I won’t let you know anything about me. That way, maybe I don’t have to suffer too much.  It’s easier to say that I have a cold than to admit that I’m about to cry. It’s easier to let everything go, like you did before. It’s easier to just say good bye and never look back, right? Just as you did. You just saw my defects and turned back on me. Maybe I should do the same. 

See? You stopped asking me about my day. You stopped kissing me on the forehead. You stopped being yourself with me. I prefer to stop loving you all at once, than tearing my heart apart from not getting anything back from you. 

They say that hell is 1,000 times more painful than all the pain in the world. I think hell for is loving you so much, without you loving me at all. It’s fine. I guess that you can’t buy a person’s will. I tried getting closer to your heart by buying you a ton of gifts. All of them were from the bottom of my heart. And even if you didn’t ask for any of them, they were actually something that came from deep down. But hey, I saw you smile with all of those gifts. I saw you smile and that’s the best gift I can ask for my birthday. However, everybody else seems to make you even happier with less details. It seems like you actually locked down all feelings toward me! That’s being racist. I bet that if I didn’t have glasses, everything would be different. hahahah! A little bit of humor in the middle of chaos. 

It’s never too late to find a new friendship or a new love. After all, it seems like you replaced me instantly with another guy as soon as we got distant. Was I even a priority in your life? I don’t know. A way better question, did I even care about myself while I was with you? No. But yeah, it’s OK. It’s all fine. You let me go, I’ll let you go. You need two persons to make a friendship. I better let you have what you always wanted. A happy life. You deserve it. 

“Adele - Rolling In The Deep” Is that song telling my story? I guess so, since it reminds me of you every time I listen to it. 

A way better song is ” Adele - Someone Like You”. I think Adele is going through the same things I’m going through. 

It’s not enough. All I do it’s not enough! You know why the hell did I ignore you while I was doing homework and other things? Because I wanted to be an example for you. I wanted you to be PROUD of me. I wanted your admiration. I’ve got NONE of that.  It’s not enough. All the clothes I bought. All the friends I gained. All the places I went. All the sacrifices to get a hold of your attention, they were all in vain.  It’s not enough.

I’m now working because of you, you know? Yeah! I swear it’s true! I couldn’t study this year, so I wasn’t gonna do anything during this time. But I wanted your family to see that I’m not another lazy friend of yours. 

Everything is more interesting than listening to me. You deserve to be around happy people.  I’m glad that you got a better birthday present than the one I gave you. Even if I would have bought the world for you, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing is enough when it comes from me. 

What will I do now? Just forget everything. Erase you from my memories. Delete everything I know of you from my mind. How can you erase someone like you from my life? I don’t know. It’s like cutting my own arm without feeling any pain.

But hey, don’t worry about all this! It’s not your problem, anyways. It doesn’t affect your life and it’s nothing you need to worry about. Just promise me that you’ll be happy. Just promise me that you will succeed in life. Just promise me that you won’t hurt me anymore. Please promise me that you won’t let any body step on you. Please promise me that you won’t cry again. That way I’ll know that you’re in good hands. 

No, I’m not sick. No, I don’t have a cold. Yes, I’m crying as I write. And nothing on this world can change my mind about you. Nobody from this world is gonna convince me that I can keep you in my life without pain.  I guess I gave too much of myself in you. And you know what they say, it hurts the most when you were the one giving it all. 

Why do you tell me that you love me, but don’t really mean it? You say that you love me, We both know you don’t mean it every day (8) I just wanted every day to be perfect. I wanted every night to be special. I guess I don’t have the ability to make you feel special. Nothing is perfect when I’m around.

Dubstep is gonna substitute you, since you are the same, so changing and surprising. I’ll just shoot myself and go to sleep. Nothing is worth living for if nobody is loving you.

  Que el amor que no aceptastes de mi, te lo ofrezca alguien mas.

Sometimes we want destiny at our favor. We want things to happen the way we want. We can’t control life. We can’t control feelings either. It’s so funny the way I fell in love with you. The funny thing is that I never knew that you would impact my life as you did. The funny thing is that when I first met you, you were only a friend to me. But now, things have changed. They have changed a long time ago, actually. They changed when we first kissed. Things changed the day that I tasted your lips. They are never going to be the same. 

I was your friend for a long time. Advised you on your love life. I opened your eyes and let you see the world. I feel in love with that naäive expression of yours. That sweet girl that would talk with me on MSN tge whole day and night! 

I miss that sweet girl. That girl that used to tell me how important I was in her life. That girl that would tell me how precious I am. That girl that would lie to me and tell me that she would exchange me with her boyfriend. Yes, I admit it. I love the way you lie.